if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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