Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I need water and some morals
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
