At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
