If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
