First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
