I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
