Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
