i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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