I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
21 Of The Most Impressive Things Ever Seen In Porn
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
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He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.