2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?