This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
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Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
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being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.