I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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