I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
