What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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