she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
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She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
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At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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