At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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