just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
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