What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
