i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
