That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
