Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
