he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
