mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think I am morally bankrupt
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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