I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
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once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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