I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
