Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
