If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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