oh god the rape fog is back!
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
