Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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