This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
