a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
