What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
