I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
