Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
