Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
