im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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