Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
