the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Randomize
