I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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