he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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