the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
