She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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