If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
