She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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