she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
