quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
