dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
