Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
