I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
