So drunk, too bad you don't want this
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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