Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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