Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
