dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
