I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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