I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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