I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
